A relationship constantly tests us because it establishes an intimate contact where all our fears and insecurities emerge, for couple therapists there are four determining factors that cause the end of a relationship, we dedicate this article to them.
Being involved in one of these behaviors is a sign that we need to change an important aspect in the way we relate, otherwise we will fuel the conflict and increase the likelihood that the relationship will end.
- Discussions.
- Misunderstandings and disagreements are part of a relationship.
- However.
- There are many ways to communicate our emotions and some of them are very destructive.
- Are these forms of expression to set aside?If we want to be understood and strengthen our relationship.
“The first step is to realize that love is an art, just as living is also an art. If we want to learn to love, we must proceed in the same way that we would learn any other art, music, painting, carpentry or art of medicine or engineering. -Erich Fromm-
Criticism hurts, destroys and causes suffering, its power is so great that, by themselves, they can destroy a relationship, especially when they are addressed to the person (not to a behavior or through a first-person message) and the person does not have the opportunity to respond In a relationship, these are weapons carried by the devil himself.
Criticism is different from the complaint. The complaint is something specific, which affects the act itself, not directly the person, when do we say that?Did I notice you’re distracted today? It’s different from “You Never Listen to Me. “Criticism understands guilt and defamation, so it can hurt the other person.
Contempt is perhaps the worst of the four behaviors we seek. When we downgrade our partner, we poison the relationship, causing a very deep wound. Contempt destroys the fundamentals in a relationship: the respect we must have for each other.
Reconciliation is difficult to achieve when there has been some kind of contempt before, this behavior creates conflicts and upsets that are difficult to manage.
Sarcasm, mockery and skepticism are part of contempt, we must be aware that when we behave in this way, because we learn to connect in this way, it becomes very difficult to repair conflicts and sufferings.
A defensive attitude hinders communication because we create a barrier and blame our partner for it, distort messages, interpret them subjectively for the unconscious purpose of hiding our vulnerability.
With this attitude we block dialogue and emotional tone to lead to misunderstandings and emotional esttachment. When we feel attacked, we create a shield around us and show all our weapons turning the relationship into a “battlefield”.
Adopting a defensive attitude, we send the following message to our partner, “the problem is not mine, it is yours”; in this way, we have managed to increase the conflict.
A violent approach to couple discussion highlights the above factors. Criticism and contempt can lead to a defensive attitude that then, when the distance between the couple is established, generates an evasive attitude.
At this point in the relationship, when you need to distance yourself from yourself to feel good, it will take a lot of commitment, dialogue and goodwill on the part of the partners so that the relationship doesn’t end.
We can ignore the problem or ignore the other, but in this way we will not be able to solve anything, the evasive attitude is a clear indicator of the end of love, on the other hand this indicator is more common among couples who have already spent a lot of time together and have not given due importance to other factors that indicate their difficulties in connecting and loving.
“In the act of loving, of giving myself up, of delving into the inner world of the other, I find myself, I discover myself and discover both of them, I discover man. ” – Erich Fromm-