Couple discussions are inevitable, but they are no longer bearable, especially when the reasons are always the same. Several times, it’s boring, aren’t you tired of arguing with your partner for the same old reason?Wasn’t the subject clear, even after playing the same touch so many times?
The good news is that we can reach an agreement that immediately reduces the time we spend on a particular topic; However, the root of the problem must first be identified, often it is not something specific, but a general discussion, in this case the strategy to address the problem is different, since there are usually other reasons, such as the fighting power between the couple, that contribute to the confrontation.
- One of the main reasons many couples argue repeatedly is that they have learned to do this with their parents.
- Internalized the idea that it is not possible to manage conflicts between the couple.
- And at the same time learned to use strategies to make the discussion last.
- One of these strategies is to recycle the arguments: repeat them several times with different words.
- Creating the feeling that there is always new information to give.
Just as their parents wasted these arguments every time something bothered them, their children do the same with their partners, in reality they seek to proclaim the superiority of their own position, not understand each other to reach an accepted agreement. by both, which serves to restore harmony.
That is, many couples argue because they have learned a model based on relationship disagreement, this model is contrary to the idea that it is possible to negotiate a conflict productively, basically sends a very clear message: couple problems are irreconcilable and The only way to break this deadlock and overcome frustration is to intimidate the other person more than he intimidates him. It works like this until the two end up so tired and anxious that they stop for exhaustion, often after forgetting the reason that caused it. The argument.
The solution is to identify whether this situation exists in our partner discussions. Are we recycling the same arguments over and over again?Do we know why we’re really fighting?
Now think about the health of your parents’ relationship, if it ended well, if they were happy as a couple, if you don’t want this for yourself, start switching potatoes and get used to the idea that there’s another way to deal. with couples conflicts It is possible to live every day without arguing with your partner, so that the clashes end with an agreement and not a truce that serves only for the two to regain strength, returning to the same situation when energy levels stabilize.
It is possible to reach an agreement, but it is necessary to start acting as if possible, eliminating this pattern of automatic driving, reprogramming the reactions to the stimuli that you need to identify, in this sense you must cultivate the attitude that more of the differences in their relationship are conciliable.
“It’s not what we say that hurts, it’s the way we say it. -John Gray, do men come from Mars and the women of Venus?
Being angry with each other is also a way to protect yourself, especially when you feel attacked or vulnerable, this reaction occurs when you feel threatened, forcing us to counterattack and try to win the battle to prevent us from being exposed.
Too often we depend on the opinion and appreciation of our partners, so when the other questions our competence, intelligence or virtues, we feel that our self-esteem is seriously compromised, that is, we feel vulnerable, so we feel the need to defend ourselves, because it immunizes feelings of vulnerability.
On the other hand, when we try to defend ourselves in this way, it is common for us to end up attacking the other at its most vulnerable points, blaming it for our problems without measuring the damage we can do with what we blame. Once upon a time it was fear, it can now be a sense of power and strength thanks to the increase in adrenaline, which can involve a reinforcement of this poisonous attitude in the long run.
In this context, when anger arises very easily, we tend to forget to listen to each other. Let’s remember we’re trying to “defend ourselves. ” The solution is to learn to validate ourselves, to strengthen one’s ego without conditioning it to anyone. We must find our own path of growth and personal enrichment, accepting ourselves unconditionally, with our own faults.
We often argue about our own problems, which we see reflected in each other; However, if we are able to accept ourselves and be benevolent, compassionate and understanding, to forgive ourselves, we can also treat ourselves in the same way. It is also to seek a different perspective, with empathy and understanding. Understanding each other’s position, though different from our own, will help us ease anger and maintain control.
“I remembered the many unpleasant things we had been through and let solidarity regain strength. What a waste it would be, I thought, to ruin our story leaving so much room for bad feelings; bad feelings are inevitable, the main thing is to contain them. ?- Elena Ferrante, in The Lost Girl
There are certain differences when talking to your partner that, by their nature or ideology, simply cannot be solved. These unresolved deviations can be adapted, even accepted, but that does not make them compatible.
The problem is that it is difficult to reduce that distance and, despite our best efforts, it is common for problems to arise, because although we know that the differences are there, we end up being irrationally threatened by these disagreements. Arguing with the couple for ideological or personal reasons is often a way to assert and rebel against the alienation that the other provokes us.
The solution to overcoming these irreconcilable differences, whatever their nature, is to identify them and simply exclude them from the conversation, that is, we must strive to appreciate and respect these unalterable differences, we must focus on where we can reach an agreement. , without feeling that the other person’s beliefs or the way they are are a threat to beliefs and the way we are.