When choosing a partner, you have to be open to “search to find”. While this seems obvious, many people do the opposite. Fear, immaturity, difficulty getting involved and so many other reasons act as boycott factors at the time of the election.
Therefore, it is important to choose a partner based on desire, not the extreme need to have a relationship, because it arises from a difficulty to be well with oneself and loneliness. That’s why there’s this desperate, blind man looking for someone else to fill a void.
- Personal loneliness seems to be the prologue to the time of choosing a partner.
- But it’s not really a good starting point if it’s associated with a series of negative conceptions.
Being alone can be associated with a personal devaluation, not feeling loved, segregated, disheveled, marginalized, abandoned, it is something like sadness, anxiety and depression.
This way of thinking can be observed throughout history, from the accounts of the Bible that say this: Is it not good for man to be alone?Even in stanzas of iconic songs like the one that says “I’m very lonely and sad here in this abandoned world. “Loneliness is often mis-sighted, not only for those who feel it, but also in society as a whole.
If loneliness has so many negative attributes, who can wish to be in this situation?However, there is no absolute loneliness.
One of the most difficult solitudes to face is loneliness in relationships, this type of loneliness generates and makes us relive various needs of the child.
Add to this the influence of the environment. Over the years, the environment takes care to remind us that the person who is not a couple or who has not married, who has no family or children or many other social demands, is not where he should be, but none of this can make a person less valid and powerless. The problem is even worse when most friends have married or are pregnant, because we often see friends as mirrors of what we want to be or have.
This whole situation is aggravated by the tragic image of loneliness and, as a result, our self-esteem is affected Are we faced with the lack, what we do not have, with an outstanding theme?At this point we often consider the situation so desperate and unsustainable, and in the end we urgently try to get out of solitude.
What happens is that this evasion of loneliness in relation to sentimental relationships often makes us choose anyone to meet the need, loneliness, and this absence of discrimination returns us to ghosts, the product of projections and idealizations where the other is not the other, but a large screen on which all our needs are projected.
Therefore, the need shows the need. But not having a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you need it. In general, people with disabilities build dependency relationships because they cannot live with themselves and seek feedback mechanisms in the relationship. Moreover, fleeing feelings of loneliness in relation to sentimental relationships, they seek to fulfill their self-contempt by recognizing others.
It is important to note that necessity generates anxiety, which results in impulsive actions, the result often leads to choices for fear of loneliness, lack of recognition and devaluation, choosing a couple who are far from the real positive possibilities of a relationship
When one chooses between a need, the consequence is a desperate choice in which the protagonist is in a low position, because it places the other on one pedestal, in addition to seeking its value in the positive manifestations of the other in relation to himself. It is one of the worst love situations you can experience, which, as it progresses and solidifies, creates what we call marital alienation.
These desperate choices are self-fulfilling prophecies, the desire to stop being alone is so great that it ends up generating loneliness, for this type of relationship has an expiration date, which after its end generates even more loneliness and problems for the person than in the beginning.
However, there is another version of loneliness. Loneliness is not as an escape term, but as the basis of self-esteem, which allows you to be well and enjoy the time you spend with yourself.
Thus, a person with good self-esteem is independent, and not having a partner makes her someone who wants to share her precious time with someone else. The person does not move by anxiety or despair, because he takes advantage of his time and values himself.
Achieving this concept of precious time and giving yourself the right to take care of this personal space means knowing how to be honest with yourself when thinking about accepting an invitation, thinking about who you want to engage with, who you want to share time with. . People. Because when a person is well with himself he likes to spend time alone and also appreciate it, this way the person ends up becoming selective because he doesn’t want anything with someone who wastes time, it’s not about putting himself in a defensive position, it’s about taking a little care spontaneously.
In the end, the best and first couple is loneliness, a prerequisite for a successful relationship.
If you want to choose a good couple, you have to have a good couple with loneliness, and that means having a good association with yourself.
Choosing between adult desire, mature and with few neurotic traits, gives us the opportunity to look at the loving object observing both its positive and negative aspects, which are not, let us remember, neither positive nor negative in themselves, but for construction. who chooses it, that is, they are personal and, as such, subjective.
Choosing out of desire means accepting your own loneliness: if I feel good about myself, I will have to make a good decision to share my time, which is precious.
It is therefore clear that the acceptance and assessment of loneliness itself is a starting point for a good choice of couple and also provides the possibility of being careful when choosing a partner at some point in the way of life.
From now on, extreme caution can lead to a defensive position in which the person becomes very selective in his search, in fact, it is not difficult to move from defense to the phobia of having a relationship, at the risk of always looking for more and more. loneliness (solitude prudence phobia of defense – loneliness).
This may seem a little exaggerated or even a categorical imperative, but choosing out of necessity is forming a relationship that is doomed to failure and that will sink into the game and something that is not love. couple and desperately need a couple. A person with will and a person in need are not the same.
If we make an analogy, the need would be to go three days without eating and sitting in a restaurant, despair drives us to eat what we have before us: the bread that the waiter has just brought. ordered the first thing we came up with, on the other hand, if we go out to dinner wanting to eat but without going hungry, we go to the restaurant, we sit down, we order a drink and we choose what we want after quietly reading the menu. and seeing what we like the most.
Feeling good about yourself and feeling alone is not yet a perfect indication of a good choice, which suggests, however, that we can establish a relationship from a desire freely, without urgency, is to establish a choice between relational symmetry, a parity, because from a desperate attitude (asymmetric and below) the path of manipulation opens up.
Choosing a partner involves choosing a single love object, the chosen person, but in this choice there are two possibilities: either the person is idealized, where we see only the positive points (which I select or build myself), or we observe the real person where I can see the positives and negatives for me.
However, it should be noted that in any process of sentimental relationship, the idealization of the bond corresponds to the first period of the relationship and reality is only possible at a later time, sometimes this does not even happen, because it means seeing. the partner as a whole, with its positive and negative aspects.
Therefore, to move from idealization to real person status, one must accept and negotiate internally aspects of the couple that are not described as positive (vertus defects – real person).
Is it out of necessity that the needy person projects his voids in search of a savior and builds an idealized being?Another that is not real, because only the qualities are observed. What happens is that the person who does not want to be alone only connects with the parts of the other that correspond to their needs, to be able to meet them, only sees what the rest wants to see and ignores the rest, in this way denies the parts that dislike them and thus manufactures a set of characteristics that do not exist and that end up overlapping the reality of the person , but it collapses quickly.
Whoever wants to have a partner is more objective in his choice, in his subjectivism, sees the other in its entirety, is more critical and has greater clarity about who the other is and who he is, and so both are more real.
The person acting on the basis of desire tries to choose by seeing the other in its entirety and showing himself in full, while the person acting out of necessity looks at idealized aspects.
It is obvious that, in order to fall in love, the balance between the positive and negative aspects must be tilted towards the former, which will guarantee some success in the romantic relationship, but it is not uncommon for some people to try to insist on failed relationships in which balance weighs heavily on the negative side, forcing the relationship to extreme levels.
They are people who are expecting ideal answers and who are frustrated when what happens does not match what is expected, at that moment alleviate all the frustrations of the other person, anyone who falls in love with a ghost built to the standards. your personal needs cannot be surprised when this happens.
They are people who suffer, because they fall into the utopia of trying to adapt the other to their own desire, to build someone to their measure, without realizing that the other, in fact, is also someone. Another who feels permanently disqualified for the aquello. su expects from him, but who does not.
As we see, a passionate relationship can become a long-term relationship, it is the rite of passage of ideal love, from passion to true love, which makes the bond more real and the relationship more mature and understanding. they silence the love they feel and the aspects of the other that motivate them in the relationship, and those who don’t love it so much, but know they must be understanding.