Is it often said that each pot has its lid? However, to use this saying as a guide to finding a partner is to follow unconscious patterns, resulting from the emotional relationship with parents in childhood, so dysfunctional relationships between parents and children can damage people’s relationships in the world. what leads to so-called collusion games.
Originally, the concept of collusion was found in the studies of Austrian psychologist Paul Watzlawick, who applied it in his theory of human communication; later, psychotherapist Henry Dicks, in his book Marriage Tensions, introduced the concept of collusion into marital relations.
- However.
- It was Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jurg Willi who popularized the term collusion or colusory play to refer to involuntary and dysfunctional behavior between members of a relationship.
Such behaviors occur in marital conflicts. In addition, these toxic and unconscious dynamics are intrinsically linked to the members of the relationship.
“There are those who seek marriage for fear of being alone. ” – Jurg Willi-
According to Willi, colusory behavior forms a “common unconscious” in the relationship, in which conflict is constantly repeated in a succession of distance or proximity.
The members of the couple do not endure separation, much less intimacy, this suffocates them nearby and they begin to suffer from the distance as they move away.
The couple becomes an “individual self”, in an airtight knot, where the individual boundaries overlap. Thus, we can no longer talk about an individual pathology, but a pathology of the relationship.
“The hug too hard drowns out love. ” -Jurg Willi-
In colossusive dimatic dynamics, each member of the relationship manifests a polarized role, i. e. each member of the relationship recreates a function of activity/passivity, behavior, submission/domination, dependence/independence. Unconsciously, the activity of a member of the relationship. The relationship leads to inactivity in the other.
The weak member tends to be regressive and immature, while the most active member plays a progressive role or false maturity, as it necessarily acts as an adult relative to the other, when they collide, the pair enter a vicious defensive circle. .
Relationship collusion games are often the result of repressed or un healed emotional wounds from childhood. Both need each other for mutual healing of frustrations and dissatisfied desires in childhood.
“How easy it is to fall in love and how hard it is to stay in love!?- Enrique Rojas-
Each spouse expects the other to save him from his own internal conflict and free him from the fears of the past; healing of existing wounds from all romantic or paternal relationships that were not satisfactory.
In an attempt to heal the emotional wounds themselves, each member of the relationship again has the same ineffective patterns and difficulties in solving their marital and individual problems, causing pain, disappointment and projecting their own fears and guilt into each other.
In this scenario, phrases like “I’m like that because you,” etc. , are common. The paradox of this marital situation is that none of the members of the relationship really want to change anything about themselves, which increases even more. the gravity of the situation.
“Love is not looking at yourself, do you look together in the same direction?. – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry-
Colusorious games are a trap that maintains toxic mechanisms of guilt, repression and insecurity, and it is rare for a party to realize where the exit door is.
Thus, during a marital crisis, one can stay in a sick relationship in a colossusive way, or stop participating in such games and break the relationship.
In other cases, there is also the possibility to look for a specialist psychologist to guide the members of the relationship towards a solution based on the wear and tear suffered.
However, love can only be built when the couple abandons expectations and begins to recognize the other as equal.
“Like the rest of the impulses, romantic love is a necessity, a desire. “Helen Fisher.
Creating expectations that are impossible to achieve and not responsible for one’s wounds causes frustration and introduces into the relationship a sick chaos capable of destroying the self-esteem of each spouse.
It should be noted that the couple is the master class of love in which one can learn to fall and rise, it is also possible to learn to develop all the human potential that is within them, always with respect and responsibility for each other.
There is a belief that the success of the relationship is “sustainable”. However, the secret could be quite different: to last “as long as it’s healthy. “