“Raise crows and your eyes will be pricked,” says the popular saying that we often act with good intentions and that we are paid with ingratitude. The same saying can be applied to the education of children without limits.
There are many questions and doubts that arise when we have to educate children, different emotions arise during this process, especially when we have to define the limits. Is it common for many parents to have doubts and even feel like “bad parents”?making decisions to set standards and guidelines for children.
- During the difficult task of educating a person many doubts arise Am I doing the right thing?Why.
- Despite being convinced that this decision is correct.
- I feel like I’m not?.
To answer so many questions, we have many articles, books and information about children’s education. Simply visit a bookstore or search the Internet and you’ll find many tips that aren’t always consistent and correct.
Many people associate the word line with something negative and think that setting limits means not considering the child’s opinions; however, this concept is far from others such as shouting, irritating or ignoring, and is closer to the concept of structuring, regulation and putting a limit does not mean raising your voice, being angry or disrespecting others.
Educating involves saying no to requests that cannot or should not be fulfilled and teaching the child that sometimes we have to wait to get what we want; it is also a matter of putting consequences on behaviors that need to be corrected and being consistent with decisions made.
Parents don’t need to raise their voices, get angry, or constantly threaten their children. The message can be transmitted calmly, clearly and without too many repetitions. Never make threats you won’t meet.
Imagine that you are in a supermarket and that your daughter wants to buy Peppa Pig’s cake, this is not the time or the opportunity to buy the cake and you say no, to her answer, her daughter insists, starts crying and kicks the floor. At this point, you start to feel embarrassed, because people start looking at you, this causes a lot of irritation and to end the crisis at once and so that the show doesn’t continue, you buy your daughter the cake. happy with her cake, she stays quiet, you stop feeling embarrassed and the purchase can go smoothly.
In this example we can see that when parents give in, they are relieved that the daughter has stopped crying, they are no longer ashamed and the rage is over. However, he has learned that with tantrums you can get what you want.
Although it seems that at that time the problem is under control, if it becomes commonplace, tantrums can increase and become standard behavior for the child to realize what he wants.
Patterson’s coercion theory and negative reinforcement trap explain the example above very well and how it is cheaper and easier for parents to yield to the inappropriate demands of children; However, in the long run, the cost will be much higher because inappropriate behavior occurs at an exponential rate.
In the face of inappropriate behaviors, such as tantrums, assaults or threats, parents give in and both sides “feel good”: parents manage to prevent the child from crying and stop bothering him while getting what he wants.
Patterson’s negative reinforcement trap explains how parents, when they give in to a tantrum, are relieved because he stops, while the child gets what he wants. As a result, it increases the likelihood that tantrums will become more frequent over time.
In the short term, it seems that both sides end up winning, but the long-term consequences may not be so pleasant: the child will learn to manipulate the adult through these behaviors and to use them more regularly; On the other hand, parents will not be able to control the child’s behavior unless you give him what he asks for.
People who have not learned to have limits generally have little tolerance for frustration, difficulty controlling their emotions and cannot meet standards and obligations, are manipulative and make the other person feel bad about achieving their goals.
Impertinence, the demand for privileges, a lack of perseverance and effort, impatience, lack of collaboration, behavioral problems, aggression or even destruction of objects are some of the problems that lack of limits can cause.
In behavioral disorders characterized by constant challenge and rule violation, it is common to find an unlimited education where the child orders, orders, and decides.
Psychologist Teresa Rosillo recently said in an interview: “We forgot to tell the children that it’s their parents who are responsible. “In many families, the child has the final say and adults have to adapt their plans and habits to the child’s demands and whims.
One of the main tasks of the parents is to educate so that the child can self-regulate, however, for the child to self-regulate must have been pre-regulated by the parents or guardians.
It is parents, not other entities or individuals, who have the duty and obligation to educate their children. You have to listen, show them what’s right and what’s wrong, say “not now,” “have we talked about it yet?””Or will you have to wait?. Many times it is necessary to frustrate them and teach them to overcome this feeling. Education is not an easy task, but if parents do not assume that role, who will?