Unfortunately, emotional blackmail with children is part of many childhoods; guilt, fear, intimidation, threat and often also with patience and attention, many parents lead their children to do what they want; on the other hand, many parents are unaware of the impact this practice can have on their education and relationship with them.
Emotional blackmail with children is a very tempting form of manipulation to condition their behavior; blackmail is acquired behavior, i. e. children can also learn to use it; on the other hand, it is a form of influence rarely consciously chosen, but which is somewhat improved by its effectiveness the first time it is used.
- There are thousands of articles about emotional blackmail with children.
- When little ones laugh.
- Tantrums and threats to get what they want from their parents.
- The reality is that this is a learned behavior that starts at home.
- When parents say things like.
- “If you don’t get good grades.
- Won’t we love ?.
- ?If you’re bad.
- Santa won’t bring you a Christmas ?.
- ??.
- Etc.
“There are only two safe ways to get people to do what they want. Or do you put on an iron glove and force yourself, or do you say God wants it done?-Raymond Khoury-
We often resort to blackmail because it can restore control and we don’t know how to recover or make children obey without protesting otherwise. He thinks control is not synonymous with education. Telling our children what to do, how to do it, and threatening them if they don’t immediately minimize their decision-making. In this way, we have created an excellent breeding ground so that in the future they are dependent or rebellious.
Using emotional blackmail with children can be the worst remedy for our insecurity as parents, one of the worst ways to “protect” us from a child’s questions. It may also indicate that we have little patience to respect your time and/or little tolerance to accept that you can do things your way and that this may be different from ours.
By applying emotional blackmail, you may be able to get less tired at the end of the day, make decisions for them that are more comfortable, or make them do what you want, but what about long term?As we have already pointed out, this is a strategy that can become very dangerous.
“If lies or bad faith are introduced into the communication process, there will be manipulation, which can become reciprocal. “- Albert Jaquard-
Emotional blackmail with children is a form of manipulation that leaves them no choice. They’ll probably obey us. But sooner or later this strategy will cease to be effective and will probably be used against us, because we are the ones who teach them how to use it. On the other hand, like all kinds of blackmail, it is a strategy that will hardly end up causing some kind of positive feeling.
The goal of blackmail may see an increase in resentment that it cannot explain but eventually spreads over time. They are able, long before what we think, to identify themselves when they try to manipulate them. And nobody likes to be manipulated, right? Thus, they may feel the presence of people who blackmail them as a threat, like people they don’t want to be with because they don’t make them feel good.
In this sense, many people use emotional blackmail with children as a means to obtain displays of affection, an affection that, if any, will be diminished precisely by the use of this strategy, besides, as we have already said, they will soon learn to use it in their favor, because they understand that it is a valid strategy, because it is used with them by people who want them , so it will be very difficult for them to establish relationships that are neither superficial nor instrumental.
“Love comes when manipulation ceases; when you think more about the other person than your reactions to you. When dare you reveal yourself completely, when dare you be vulnerable?. – Joyce Brothers-
Most of the time, blackmail is useless because they are threats that do not materialize in the short or long term (no parent will stop loving their child because they did not repair the role). Psychologists have seen (and have tried to pass it on) parents with more or less success) that these threats have a short success and a very sad ending.
With this type of blackmail, the child is unlikely to learn that it is better for his room to be tidy, because this way it will be easier to clean and because he will be able to find everything he is looking for more quickly. You hardly learn that brushing your teeth, even if it’s not fun some nights, is better for your teeth, so chances are that when blackmail disappears or stops producing effects, the behavior we want to implement will also disappear.
Blackmail is not going to educate our children to know how to solve problems or do things because that’s the best thing for them or because that’s what they want, they change their behavior for a while and apparently without any real or internal or lasting change. In addition, when we blackmail without responding to the explicit threat, if the child does not obey, we lose credibility.
“Education is about helping a child really develop their skills” – Erich Fromm-
If we want to do something, especially when they are very small, it is better to help or accompany instead, for example, give orders sitting on the sofa, if they are older, the best tool available is that they have the opportunity to emulate our example. Our children are not machines, and only machines react and do things first; well, you’ll probably have to repeat things more than once for them to do so, and that delay is not the product of laziness or something consciously chosen to make us angry. They have a different rhythm and, in most cases, they learn.
It is also important to negotiate, offer options and listen to what they have to say, when we want them to do something, we must first ask ourselves whether that something meets their needs or ours, and whether this need offers alternatives, moments and more. all the explanations of why we want to act in a certain way or not. When you relate to them, their well-being and their future, the most effective thing is to explain the benefits of doing so.
When we set aside blackmail in our children’s education, it is easier for them to end up choosing behaviors that promote them to themselves and the environment around them; if we allow them to be smart, they’ll have a chance to be smart. they will work a little harder, negotiate and be more present in their education, but they will grow to be more independent, with better self-esteem and learn the value of effort and work. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?
“Don’t avoid the difficulties of your children’s lives, show them to overcome them” – Louis Pasteur-