Family disability is a process that occurs quite frequently, it occurs in environments where one or more people create a kind of meaningless dynamic with which they boycott the self-esteem of their children Disqualification, passive-aggressive communication, emotional manipulation and invisible abuse that leave a permanent injuries are used.
Systemic family therapy experts say every child with a disability is at risk of becoming an invisible adult in the future. These are people who have been made to believe from an early age that their needs are irrelevant and, moreover, that their identities have become so diluted that a genuine sense of “I” has hardly been formed.
- “They all have painful wounds buried in their hearts.
- They are able to move on.
- Because over time.
- They become insensitive to pain.
- Kim Bok Joo?.
Thus, one could say that we are facing a subject as serious as forgotten by many parents. We’ll set an example. Ana is 9 years old and spends the day laughing, pinching and pushing her younger sister, Carla. While the first is restless and mocking, the smallest is reserved and very shy.
Whenever Carla cries and finds her mother for help, she always replies the same thing: “You have to fix this, Mom is busy and can’t always be on top of you. This situation, which for many may be innocent, hides several dangerous characteristics. The invalidation of the mother in this case is twofold and the consequences are very serious.
The first, because the mother does not take into account the emotions of her youngest daughter. The second, because the message given to this child is very simple and direct: “I’m busy, solve this, solve your problems yourself. “As you can imagine, a childhood marked by this kind of paralyzing dynamic can leave a deep mark on adulthood.
Family disability is a form of emotional neglect and is therefore one of the most dangerous forms of subtle violence. Marsa Linehan, a renowned specialist in mental disorders and dialectical behavioral therapy, explains in her work that this type of interaction creates very serious conflicts in the child’s mind.
Consider, for example, a baby that was almost never seen at night every time he cried, now we imagine this two-year-old boy, with a terrible tantrum before exasperated parents because they don’t know how to handle this creature. a few years later, do you complain because you still can’t tie your shoes, because it takes you a while to dress, eat and express yourself, are you stupid and you keep crying for nothing?
This whole situation will crystallize in the child’s personality in very different ways, for example, Dr. Linehan explains that family disability leads, sooner or later, to personal invalidation, if the emotional needs of the child were ignored from the beginning and was labeled as a child forcing them.
Not least, however, what often happens in many cases is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we hear from an early age that we will not go anywhere, that it is not for us, that this dream is impossible, that by sharing talents we bring out the worst, it is very likely that we will end up internalizing all this as a poisoned mantra.
Breaking the effect of family disability is not only possible, but also necessary; it is possible to survive this when we validate ourselves as we deserve.
Family and systemic therapies owe much to Paul Watzlawick’s theory of human communication. He and other experts of the? Mental Research Institute? He formed an exceptional goal that was essential to the future of family therapy and a better understanding of these complex dynamics.
In this context, for example, disqualification techniques have been referred to, an empty, harmful and sometimes even aggressive type of communication, where the message sent to the other person contributes to invalidating it and generating discomfort. Now, what psychologists have been able to prove, like Dr. Lineham, is that a child who was disqualified/disabled in childhood creates an internal dialogue in adulthood also based on his own disqualification.
Processes such as self-criticism, limiting attitudes, indecision, guilt, constant fear and a repetitive monologue where there is no self-esteem, help perpetuate disqualification, almost like a friendly fire with which we destroy even more?
It’s not worth it. If in the past it was others who, with their style of creation, education and communication, have caused all this damage to our identity and self-esteem, we are not heirs to this dynamic, we are not our own enemies.
Validating is possible, but for that we need to change our internal dialogue. We must speak to each other with respect and kindness, treat ourselves as precious beings, people who still have a long way to go and who are tired of the title of “you can’t do it, you don’t know it or you don’t deserve it”
Now it’s time to manage everything!