Do you usually look for signs or signs that indicate changes or prove that everything is okay?Do you constantly review your partner’s environment and behaviors?Sometimes such behaviors characteristic of hypervigilance can occur in this ends up leading to disputes and conflicts, because the other person feels that they do not have the space they need or need.
The big problem with hypervigilance in a relationship is that reality is often distorted little by little, that is, the person starts with small signs or specific doubts and even challenges almost all the movements, gestures and words of the other. finds signs that, in fact, do not exist, because it misunderstands the other person’s intentions.
- Psychologist Tyan Dayton describes hypervigilance in a relationship as a state of stress and anxiety that occurs in certain post-traumatic situations.
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- We will treat this issue more fully.
If there was hypervigilance in our parents’ relationships, we are more likely to develop this type of behavior in our relationships, in one way or another, we have been permeated since childhood and this manifests as learned behavior, however, there may also be other reasons.
For example, if we have been betrayed in another relationship and have had a strong emotional impact on us we can use hypervigilance as a strategy to prevent it from happening again, the problem is that this type of behavior ends up generating states of anxiety. and feeds the seed of mistrust in the relationship.
On the other hand, it may also happen that, if we are not loyal to our partners, we end up projecting insecurity and fear on them; in this way, we can develop hypervigilant behaviors at some point.
Emotionally dependent people tend to keep an eye on their partners, which is because they are very afraid of losing them because of their low self-esteem and certain unconscious beliefs that lead them to act very harmfully.
One of the main characteristics that indicate the presence of hypervigilance in the relationship is the misinterpretation of the other’s behavior, due to the comparison of certain signs (gestures or words) with others perceived in the past, which is usually a consequence of the anxiety, stress or fear we experience.
Other examples are when the couple is calmer than usual or receives many messages on the mobile phone, if we have been betrayed in the past or if an ex-pair has expressed silence in different situations, our mind can activate the alarm signal and, with it, the hypervigilance mechanism. And if irrational thoughts begin to appear, such as “If it’s silent, something’s wrong,” “Receive a lot of messages, maybe you’re talking to someone else?”or “He’s no longer interested in me because he barely talks to me. “
This sequence of thoughts increases mistrust and can even lead to outbursts of anger; in this way, the relationship deteriorates, especially if we do not talk about what is happening to us and draw our own conclusions. It is important to recognize that we are experiencing hypervigilance in the relationship and seek the help of a professional.
Changing the way we think about relationships, especially our relationship, solving past experiences and deep traumas, and learning strategies to manage our emotions will be critical to changing these kinds of behaviors.
If something goes wrong in our relationships, if we live subject to anguish and mistrust, we will act to solve this problem, perpetuate harmful behaviors will not only harm our relationships, but also prevent us from growing up and enjoying healthier relationships.
It is important to mention that hypervigilance in a relationship sometimes seems “normalized”; that is why it is so difficult to identify, however, detecting the damage caused by this constant surveillance will allow us to act to start solving it.
Relationships must be valued and each of us has a responsibility to manage our traumas, experiences and emotional pains, in order to build healthy relationships that add up rather than subtract.