Living with an alexitismic partner can lead to great suffering, because in these emotional bonds empathy is generally not present.
It is normal for a member to feel a lack of authentic connection to validate feelings and develop true intimacy, through words that nourish and complicate gestures in which there is emotion.
- Loneliness.
- Uncertainty.
- Misunderstanding.
- These and other feelings are felt by people who share their lives with an alexitismic partner.
However, we cannot ignore the reality of those suffering from this psychological condition, which many define as a neurological disorder, and others as a psychological disorder with social conditions.
In any case, there is an indisputable fact: the alexitismic loves, falls in love, feels, has feelings, is happy, moves and suffers like everyone else.
However, therein lies the real problem: they are unable to express what they feel and, at the same time, do not understand the emotional codes of those around them.
If this trait already leads to social limitations, in emotional relationships, alexithymia is highly problematic. As research conducted at the University of Missouri-Columbia by Dr. Nestor Fry-Cox has revealed, alexithymia can cause many breakdowns in the relations.
It is estimated that about 10% of the population may suffer from this emotional communication deficit, which is particularly common in men.
The word alexithymia comes from the Greek and means, etymologically, “without words to express emotions or feelings. “
Living with an alexitismic partner is a limitation in all aspects, in fact, first of all, none of the members of the relationship is aware that there is a third participant: neurological disorder or alteration itself.
We say this because, at present, there is still no consensus on the subject, and also because many people are unaware of the reason for their inability to express and understand emotions.
Psychiatrist Peter Sifneos first described the condition in 1972, from then until now we know that alexithymia may be related to a change in the limbic system.
Besides, it has nothing to do with psychopathic personality, that is, that the alexitismic is sorry, but he does not know how to interpret his own emotions let alone those of others.
All this makes the following realities live in terms of affection and relationships:
The alexitismic partner will never tell if he is really upset, happy, emotional or worried. For these people, any emotion they feel is a mystery; it is but a set of physiological experiences that cause tension, anxiety, stomach pain, etc.
In other words, they cannot express how they feel because they do not know what is happening to their body, they cannot name the emotions, despite feeling them.
Something like this prevents them from knowing how to deal with problems, for example, and they also fail to convey the love, admiration and basic emotions of a romantic relationship.
Alexithymic people are unable to identify the emotions of others, they do not understand, for example, why the partner is upset by certain behaviors.
They are also unable to understand why their partner is not happy, what they need, what saddens them, the reason for their mood swings, etc.
Also, if the couple ever asks to have an intimate conversation, the alexitismic will feel incapable, having to delve into these kinds of emotional nuances is very uncomfortable, it is something that does not know how to deal, that does not know. I don’t see, he doesn’t understand.
Similarly, the communicative style of alexitismics is also very different, they do not like reflexes, double senses, poetic, ironic or romantic language.
Their goal is always very logical, concrete and literal, so communication with them is very rigid and, above all, difficult and frustrating.
Living together, creating a future project, solving problems or even making simple agreements with the alexitismic person can be very complicated, it must be taken into account that our entire emotional realm is fundamentally driven by emotions, what can we do in these cases?
Whether you’re alexilymic or your partner has this feature, you need to understand an important aspect, this condition is often accompanied by other disorders.
It is very common, for example, for latent depression or stress disorder. In addition, alexitimia is also present in people with Asperger’s.
In any case, we need a proper diagnosis. Alexitimia is also part of a spectrum. That is, there are those who suffer most strongly and those who show few traits, so it is important to seek the help of specialists.
It should be noted that the alexitismic person has feelings, but does not know how to express them, so it is interesting to work some basic codes through which expressing affection, looks, caresses and physical contact are good scenarios in which we can validate ourselves daily.
It is essential that alexitismics receive psychological support, it is the only way to maintain the romantic relationship. This condition has no cure: work is being made to help the patient find mechanisms and skills to improve empathy, communication and emotional expression.
The areas that will be worked with the alexitismic patient are stimulation and emotional identification, empathy, social skills, emotional communication and reducing anxiety and stress.
Finally, it should be noted that not everyone responds well to therapy, more importantly, many alexitismics refuse to accept help from experts because they believe that the problem is of others.
For some of these men and women, it’s the partners themselves who have emotional problems. In his eyes, his companions are very intense, irrational and incomprehensible.
In these cases the best option is well-being, protecting integrity and avoiding unnecessary suffering will always be the best answer when we do not see a desire for change on the part of the alexitismic person.