Loving selfishness generates real personal disasters. There are those who, despite wearing adult clothes, offer each other through one, the child, who sees affective relationships as a means to meet their own needs.
They are borrowers looking for donors, are immature figures who do not understand or do not want to understand the language of reciprocity.
- Abraham Maslow said that not all selfish behavior was bad.
- At least until we understand what motivations guide and define them.
Thus, and as an example, prioritizing and investing in ourselves is not only positive, but recommended for self-esteem, however, on the opposite side, on the darker side, we have a foolish and harmful selfishness.
Erich Fromm was one of the first authors to talk about love selfishness. According to the author of Fear of Freedom and The Art of Love, there are those who see relationships as a clearly instrumental scenario oriented to take and receive.
They are men and women unable to see beyond their precious personal sphere.
“Selfishness is not living the way you want to live, it asks others to live the way you want to live. “Oscar Wilde–
When John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, articulated his theory about the “four riders,” he overlooked the dimension of love selfishness. In his view, he said that the greatest dangers of a relationship were indifference, defensive attitude, criticism. and contempt.
So you could argue that selfishness might seem like an equally devastating fifth knight.
However, in fact, Gottman did not even include this element as an exclusive predictor for relationship purposes, in some way, as it is already included in each of the dimensions mentioned.
The person who criticizes, violates, despises the other or avoids responsibility is selfish, and this is very evident.
However obvious it may seem, we do not always see it coming, because, as we well know, there are situations in which love hurts, and it hurts because, in its initial phase, it is usually very blind.
Most of us, at some point, risk everything for someone. We set out with all the cavalry to turn this fascinating, perfectly-looking person into an emotional precipice, because the selfish person is enigmatic at first, and it’s easy to succumb to his charms.
Then, while she has already earned her “donor,” she takes advantage of him and reveals his authentic face. We use emotional blackmail and manipulation to be like a black hole that swallows everything.
And no, it doesn’t give anything it swallows, because selfish personality has nothing to offer us except needs and disappointments.
This phrase may seem contradictory, but it is worth thinking about for a few seconds: loving selfishness arises from the inability to love oneself, how is it possible?
We are so accustomed to considering that selfishness, like narcissism, corresponds to this personality profile in which the person loves himself that we do not realize the hidden reality of this behavior.
As Erich Fromm rightly states in his book The Art of Love, the selfish person, in fact, hates himself, lacks self-esteem, is a frustrated person and so full of needs that he uses relationships to achieve what he needs.
“The selfish does not love himself too much, he loves very little; in fact, he hates himself. Such a lack of affection and personal care, which is nothing more than an expression of his lack of productivity, leaves him empty and does he feel necessarily unhappy and eager to bring out of life the satisfactions that are prevented from obtaining ??Erich Fromm-
A few years ago, a very revealing article was published in the Journal of Behavioral and Brain Sciences in which he compared selfless behavior to selfishness.
One aspect that has become clear is that altruistic people feel more personally and emotionally realized, give without waiting to receive anything in return, they freely give their time and resources to others because this spontaneous act makes them feel good.
However, the selfish demands from others what he does not have, he cannot (and does not want) offer anything to those around him because all he has are his needs.
She has no self-esteem, no self-esteem, and no self-confidence. Therefore, love selfishness is nothing more than a trap with which you try to “capture” someone good enough to serve as a dedicated donor.
As we see, these are toxic and painful behaviors in terms of affection, which reminds us, once again, of the key principle of relationships: loving oneself is fundamental to loving others well.
That is why it is necessary to learn how to exercise it in a correct and healthy way, because selfishness is like boats without sail: they never lead to a good destination.