The mother is the first great love in the life of all human beings, a love born naturally and not renounced, even if it is not present, or even if its presence is harmful, even dangerous, to a child. . There’s always an invisible bond that somehow brings us in.
Psychoanalyst Judith Viorst recounts an appalling case in one of her books. A three-year-old boy was sprayed with alcohol and, seemingly unthinkable, his own mother set his body on fire. In the intensive care room, the little girl only wanted one thing: for her to come and kiss her. This primitive bond is so strong. In any case, we love our mother. At the beginning of life, we prefer all suffering, rather than suffering so as not to have it by our side.
“Is the mother’s heart the child’s living room?
-Henry Ward Beecher-
Love of the mother also exists as adults, even if we follow our own path, even if we achieve great successes, even if we have money, or admire our achievements. Deep down, there’s always something about this kid who doesn’t want to live without his mother.
As children, and against all evidence to the contrary, we thought our mother was an absolutely perfect being. All we needed was for her to be by our side. And if it wasn’t, we thought it was our fault. But mothers aren’t the perfect beings we idealized when we were little. We’re not always welcome in your life.
Mothers are also depressed, they also have their own problems and although most want to give us the best, sometimes they can’t do it, sometimes they give up or have a less healthy idea of what a child’s well-being is. Is.
Many mothers are not there when their children need it, must or want to work outside the home and may only have time to exercise mediocre motherhood, other women have a rejection, conscious or unconscious, directed at motherhood, yet they take on the task of being mothers, but do not do so fully. Then your children will become your default.
They are mothers who see nothing good in their children, are never obedient enough, nor able enough to make her happy, even if they are the best students or the most outstanding athletes, however, they never live up to your expectations. .
Rejection of children sometimes takes unexpected forms. This is the case of anxious mothers, who always imagine that their son will fall, that the young man will become addicted to drugs, that his daughter will make an irreparable mistake, in these cases rejection becomes a form of extreme control. that educating their children is to show them that the world is a place full of dangers and that their task is to make them see the threatening side.
During childhood, we basically don’t have the emotional ability to question our mother. It’s at the base of everything, on the horizon of everything, and we may not like some of his behaviors, but we feel he’s not allowed to criticize it. Things change during adolescence. This stage is often much more conflicted for those who are dealing with a difficult mother.
Adolescence is a transition in which we are the child we were and the adult we want to face, it is essential to question what we receive at home in order to forge our own identity, as a teenager the questions and inductions about our parents begin. for great breaks with parents.
If we didn’t allow ourselves to criticize our mother before, she now becomes the object of much of our discontent, she wants us to remain the children she meets while we have to fly, but just as adolescence can be the beginning of great distances. With these beloved characters, it is also a scenario where it is possible to adjust many loose ties.
A mother aware that her role was not the best can take the time of adolescence to repair many of her mistakes. Teenagers have a deep need for their parents, much more than they want to admit. Loving, patient and intelligent accompaniment during this stage can repair many of the flaws that occurred during childhood.
Conflicts sometimes surface rawly and harshly, but it’s certainly an opportunity to channel them and find a solution for them. The young man already has the ability to understand that his mother is a person with limits and the mother can admit those limitations. Sometimes it is not possible to avoid the appearance of large obstacles. Children only understand parents when they themselves become parents.
Then they discover the impossibility of being perfect parents, those of magazines, and understand that error is the basis of many human realities, the fact that a mother is wrong does not mean that she is a bad mother, but imperfect, like all of us. .
In any case, there is an indisputable truth: all of a person’s affective relationships are marked by his or her bond with his mother, his first love.
The healthier the relationship, the healthier the others, and it is never too late to revisit that bond, to forgive it and ask forgiveness. Give him a free path to that love that has always been there and, with him, pave the way for a fuller life.
Image credits: Emma Block, Claudia Tremblay, Gustav Klimt