“What will they think of me if I explain how I really feel,” “I hope you don’t ask me anything, you wouldn’t have to answer in front of everyone?Or “I can’t talk to a big audience, am I very nervous?”. These are very common expressions of those who are ashamed to be a life partner.
Avoiding excel, escaping from any time when you can draw attention or reject invitations to give notice or to carry out certain activities are mechanisms that develop this emotion, the shame is that we become invisible and, therefore, it is able to implement a thousand and one strategy.
However, what is behind this emotion? What is your context? Let’s go further.
“One of the most powerful emotions in the world is shame, which represents the fear of not being good enough. “- Brené Marron-
Shame is the enemy of visibility, of presence, it is a difficult emotion that seems to hide who we are because fear and insecurity have informed us that we would feel uncomfortable.
According to Psychology Doctor Ma José Pubill, the person who is ashamed lives in fear that others will discover their weaknesses, that is, discover what they really are.
The seed that causes shame is often found in childhood or adolescence experiences.
The origin of this emotion is often found in an experience in which the person felt or felt that he was not well, that he did not behave as he should and that, ultimately, his behavior was not normal.
In this way, it was so marked by futility and invalidity that it avoided being imperfect at all costs or that at least others saw it as such. She is so afraid that sometimes the blockade appears as a defense to protect her, while she dives. in a state of deep frustration, because she is not the person she wants to become.
Being ashamed implies, on the one hand, experiencing emotions such as guilt and fear and, on the other hand, mechanisms such as perfection and control to overcome the feeling of inadequation. The problem is that in addition to not helping, it means the exact opposite: an obstacle when it comes to growing and evolving.
However, if we go further, we will realize that shame implies disrespect and tolerance towards oneself and, finally, low self-esteem.
Shame is the fear of being, to show what it is, is to choose to be invisible so as not to be criticized, so to feel this emotion implies a lack of respect and tolerance towards oneself and, therefore, a low self-esteem to be at the bottom.
Shame envelops the person in a negative and self-despreciative filter, from which the person feels fragile and weak, as well as irritated.
Thus, to be ashamed is not to feel comfortable in one’s own skin, it is not to recognize oneself and gradually resort to the path of non-confirmation, in this way, little by little, the initiative to be the captain who governs his own life. , as well as the sense of personal power, come to an end.
He who feels this emotion puts self-appreciation in the hands of others, for he can only see himself through the eyes of others, lives thinking about what they are going to say, experiencing anxiety every time he realizes that it is not appropriate. disconnected from within. Your experience is full of suffering and demand.
He who has shame in the heart of his life refuses to adapt to what he believes is expected of him.
Although this emotion is considered one of the most complex, it is possible to work to reduce its prominence and make it disappear. Now, how to overcome shame? Or rather, what to do to make yourself visible, to value yourself?
The first step begins by recognizing and accepting that we are ashamed, that emotion is part of our emotional universe, once identified the ideal is to reflect on its consequences, on the weight it has on our lives and how it limits us, prevents us from doing something.
If we do so sincerely, we will discover that we have become invisible and that we measure and value ourselves on a scale set by others. The fact is that there is not a correct or adequate scale, but the one we have established, as well as the steps and the path we want to follow.
The next step is to get to know each other, connect and show ourselves how we are, that is to start being visible, it will not be easy, let alone if we have been hiding behind someone who has been good. as others waited for many years. The good news is that it’s never too late to give yourself a chance and become our best friend.
Identifying the situation in which everything started can also help us, as it will give us information about when we are suffering and demanding too much; In addition, this starting point will be the key to understanding the depth of our wound, which is nothing more than self-betrayal and the experience of believing that you have failed others.
“Overcoming shame is becoming an adult capable of becoming king or queen of a new country: ourselves. -Maria José Pubill-
A very powerful exercise to make you visible is to stand in front of a mirror and observe yourself regardless of everything we think others think of us What do we see?How are we, what are our qualities?
The idea is to free ourselves from expectations, the mental pitfalls that prevent us from being ourselves and gaining security. We are neither better nor worse than others and comparing is not the solution.
In some cases, we may have feelings of anger towards the person who initially accused us of not doing the right thing, to publish it we can write or simply think about what we would say to that person, in this way we will be in contact with the burden of being ashamed and then we will let go.
As we see, feeling shame means much more than feeling uncomfortable at some point, this emotion leads us to be slaves to the expectations of others, to despise ourselves and, ultimately, to be invisible.
Thus, learning to connect with oneself to know and appreciate oneself is essential to gain security and take into account that it is not about being perfect, but is an integral part of the enjoyment of well-being.
“Liberation is not to be ashamed of oneself” – Friedrich Nietzsche-