Sometimes I feel like crying and stubborn tears claim they will flood my face, but soon they leave. Can’t I even do that?” Aren’t you going to write depressing things?” I heard. I’m not going? At least I don’t think so. The void in my chest is so big I can’t define how I feel. Is that correct?
What do I do with my life? Be careful not to be an unhappy, lonely person. It’s very bad to be a single person. Just be careful not to seek happiness for the rest of your life and never find it.
What do I do with my life?!
I feel empty today. The promises and projects I made are becoming distant. The lights went out. The curtains did not close, but the theater emptied, only these empty chairs and resoned in a huge room where such intense and deep feelings were occurring a few minutes ago.
Have I created an illusion in my mind, an unreal projection of what my life could be?Shall I drag people with me, hurting feelings?
What do I do with my life?!
It is with these contradictory feelings that I have made one of the most sober decisions, the most full of dubious certainties of my life, that I emptied everything. Sometimes you can’t go back and start over from a certain point.
Risky plan? There are rooms that don’t fit in any drawer, we don’t even know how they got there, other pieces reappear in memory, in memory, we want to put them back in our lives, do some touch our hearts?We love it, but we don’t serve anymore, you can’t save a little more time waiting to see if it comes back, would it be fair?But you can only have this vision, empty everything and rearrange the spaces of the heart.
Suddenly, everything was empty. Too empty. I emptied my soul with a serenity that astonished me, seeing the spaces appear in each of my movements, trying to understand why I had this strange habit of spoiling things to the point of getting lost in my confusions.
I just like to embrace the world. I keep everything I find in the drawers, absorbing more than my soul can bear. When there are people, I can no longer organize, I’m still stuck inside, waiting for my soul to put up with it, but can’t I?And I need to reorganize.
Is this an ineligible task? No one can do that for me. Pity? Because I am very disorganized and hate packing things, that is why to this day I have outsourced this work, allowing those who have the gift to keep everything in order (or at least more in order than me), clean up my mess. So I didn’t find anything in me, because I didn’t know where my stuff was?Someone’s always done it for me.
I discovered that I had developed the greatest incompetence to maintain order within me. I realized that all my life I always let them do it for me, one way or another, even when I filled my mouth to say that I possessed myself, someone was sneaking away or consciously organizing my mess, gaining the space that allowed them. exist, even though it was so much mine.
I didn’t respect my need to look at myself and understand how I work, how to organize my mess, so that even leaving everything a little messy, as I am, I can find myself inside.
The way it was to empty everything? And put it all back together, alone. “You don’t have to do this alone. ” Oh no, I need to. I have to decide for myself where to place everything, without the influence of people and feelings, should I stop repeating, “What have I done with my life?”, and convince myself that life is like this, this eternal dance to order the mess, and that I am able to organize my own life.
After all, isn’t it said that where everything is always organized, is there an absence of a well-lived life?
Is everything empty now? I confess that sometimes I am afraid to face all this mess, fear of the work that is going to be done, willing to leave everything as it is and manage, but I can no longer. Am I lost in myself?
Now the lights are off. Everything was empty, gray, almost dark, I feel a strange feeling, I do not know how to describe it, I can not cry, I do not feel happiness, I am not afraid, I feel nothing regret.
I am sure that I need to repair my soul and know the spaces within. Of those certainties that come to us are submerged in doubts. We are scared, but deep down, you know, right? You know what to do.
That’s not what I wanted. I wanted everything to be full, tidy, organized and work perfectly on me, but I got lost in my mess and had to empty everything to start over.
If you want to know, is everything emptying? I think I’m a little afraid of the echoes I’m going to start hearing when I try to fix things, but I really need to know the spaces in my soul. Stop playing with my life. Stop letting people treat me, stop playing with others while I’m wrong.
And I can’t even cry?