When a couple ventures to take the next step towards coexistence, several problems can arise. One of the most common is the difficulty of one to adapt to the other (manias, schedules, customs). This fusion process results in much of the dynamics of coexistence, in which the two will try to make concessions without losing their individual identity. When you can’t do this, does it happen literally or metaphorically?The room of secrets.
The Chamber of Secrets is the space where we gradually keep what is part of us, our habits, but that disturb or do not please our sentimental couple, this room can begin to fill with unimportant details, that you do not mind changing: this perfume that your partner does not like, the crafts that occupy space in the room or the romantic series that bother you.
- The problem begins to be worrying when.
- Over time.
- The secret room is not filled with suggestions.
- But with obligations.
- Filled with threats.
- Screams.
- Customs that make it unbearable in your partner’s eyes and that you decide to change like this.
- So as not to lose it.
- In return.
- You get lost.
Couples who really love each other are not those in which each member seeks to be perfect and please the other before their own well-being, they are those who, despite their defects and do not share everything they do, are capable of accepting and loving each other. each other as they are.
One of the reasons this secret room can fill up is fear, fear of each other’s psychological reaction, fear of violence or abuse. psychological aggression. It increases vulnerability and the person falls into each other’s network. A member of the couple, seeing the positive consequences of abuse on their interests, is strengthened by their behavior.
If we are in this case, we begin to walk away, to hide in the corners of this room so as not to occupy the legitimate and personal space that we should occupy in our relationship, we move away from our own personal freedom and even cease to make noise and claim who we are because it is the other who speaks for us. We deliver our voice and, with it, our strength and self-esteem.
In a relationship, you never lose your identity, you never lose your voice, it’s your only weapon in the face of abuse, isolation and fear.
In this way, we built a messy space with everything that was ours and that has now become dependent on each other, the fear of losing the other consumes us because our life is her, there is nothing left of us. it’s full of secrets. What we love, but we hide, becomes the bars of our cell.
In this room, in this prison, there are no punches or marks, so it is difficult to recognize. You may even think that everything you gave up or didn’t do was of your own free will, however, the difference is clear: if there is a fear of losing the other or the other one hurts you, it’s coercation, not freedom of choice. .
We all have fashions, things that we love, and we don’t have to abandon them to please others, keep in mind that if something doesn’t meet each other’s freedom there’s no problem, so as not to lose ours. voice, our space and our identity within one relationship, we must not give in to everything we do so as not to lose the other.
If you are already locked in your secret chamber, I recommend that you unveil them without fear, whoever loves you will accept you with all your whims or, at least, propose to look for a solution in which you are not the only one to have to do it. If you lose the other one because you are, it wasn’t worth it.
If it’s fear that keeps you from leaving this cell that has become your secret room, ask for help!Friendships that now seem distant because you’ve hidden them in a corner of the room, or the family you haven’t seen in a long time. Time can help you stop living in fear. You can also ask for professional help if you wish. Psychologists know you’re not alone and, above all, it’s not your fault.