Sometimes it’s not love, it’s patience. Yes, the desire to keep throwing firewood into a fire that does not give heat, in a look that does not kiss, in arms that do not reach. Finally we get tired of insisting, the will is gone, hopes are diluted and only the embers of this dignity that we have collected in pieces remain, aware that this is no longer our place.
It is curious to know how some people, when they look for a professional who can help them better manage the grieving process of a separation, do not hesitate to tell the psychologist something like? Help me not to love my (more) my ex, help Do I forget about you? Probably many therapists would like to have this magic recipe, this fabulous technique with which all traces of a love that hurts, a melancholic memory that disturbs the days and prolongs the nights, could be erased.
“At first, all thoughts belong to love. Then all love belongs to thoughts. -Albert Einstein-
However, the right professional knows that bereavement is a useful pain, which is a slow but gradual process that allows the person to acquire new growth strategies and new resources to improve the way they manage their emotions. The balms of oblivion would therefore be a sterile and unattractive resource, where life learning was asleep, a kind of internal journey in which you could find the initiative and the desire to love again.
Because, after all, no one stops loving overnight. What we can do is stop insisting on something that has not been worth it for a long time.
There are those who do not hesitate to do it again and again: insist on receiving a little more attention, insisting on dividing thoughts, decisions, fears, joys and complicity, insisting on making the time lived between the two taste of happiness, without a doubt, a taste of true desire, not coldness, excuses, avoided looks. . . In fact, we’ve all been someone who insists.
When we finally understand that it is better to stop insisting, comes the first duel, the beginning of a painful reality that makes us open our eyes to the obvious, but it will also force us to go through a series of steps, all of them essential to clarify the reality of this emotional connection and end a relationship before it becomes a test of unnecessary suffering.
The stages of this first duel are
This will be the moment when a much more complex phase begins: the second duel.
When we finally say goodbye and the distance is set, we give way to the second mourning, in the face of the irremediable, versus what hurts, in the face of what offends our dignity and kills our self-esteem, the smartest option is distance, do we know?However, distance will never be possible without forgetting.
“Love is so short and forgetfulness so long. “-Pablo Neruda-
We know that simple recognition?However, it frees us from waiting rooms and wasteland What to do with this feeling rooted in us as an insistent demon?The second duel is more complex than the first because while it is difficult to discover that we are not loved, it is even more difficult to have to heal wounds, survive and transform.
So, knowing this, it is necessary to capture an emotional duel that corresponds to our needs, in which the mind and body can weep, treat, assimilate the absence of the beloved and accept by force?And unintentionally? The new situation without bitterness, anger or resentment.
Similarly, is this also a good time for?Insist on ourselves. It is time to be stubborn, to feed on hope, to feed on new expectations, even if at first you cannot absorb them, this second duel requires insisting and persisting in one’s own being, modeling memories and anxieties, finding this perfect frequency. , in which nostalgia and dignity find their harmony to allow us to move forward and with our heads up.
Images courtesy of Agnes Cecile.