A forgotten son, a child who was not loved by his parents and who feels forgotten in a corner, in the corner of heartbreak, will remain there for decades, whether adult or not, when someone feels that his childhood has been stolen and has not been loved, remains attached for a long time to this hungry and angry child; remains trapped in this enormous trauma.
The book “Parenting from the Inside Out”, by psychiatrist and professor Daniel J. Siegel, use a term that corresponds well with this child, with this forgotten son mentioned above: the culture of shame. Behind these shocking words lies a reality so deep buried that we are not always aware of it.
- We are talking about children who live in shame.
- Confused because they do not understand why they do not receive these principles that define a healthy family dynamic: recognition.
- Understanding.
- Love.
- Affection.
- Dedication.
- Safety?.
“Childhood doesn’t last forever, but everyone deserves one?. . Wendy Dale?
The forgotten child is the one who does not value himself in his own home, is the child who asks and does not receive, is the child who has understood once that crying is useless, is the person who has never been reflected in the eyes of his parents, in the warmth of a skin or sheltered from a hug. The forgotten son never had a real home and stroked it with a voice saying “everything will be fine. “No one has taught him to believe, whether it’s magic, the universe, let alone himself.
The children of the culture of shame are lost in the abyss of uprooting, anger and silence. A scenario of terrifying life that, believe it or not, is very common in our society.
Many of us think almost instantly that these children live in a dysfunctional family, certainly environments where internal dynamics are characterized by physical or verbal violence, the immaturity of parents, the presence of a mental disorder in one of them, marginalization or even criminality. activity that turns this scenario into a black hole of emotional inadequacies, insecurity and fear.
One very important thing must be highlighted: the forgotten child also lives very close to us, for example, in the house of our neighbors, in this beautiful three-story house, whose parents are always friendly, bright at work and very busy. Every day they hold hands with a quiet, deep-looking and curious child, but full of sadness, this child is also a forgotten child who goes to school from 9 to 5 years old and from 5 to 8 years old performs after-school activities.
This child has the keys to his house, comes and goes alone, because his parents work all day and are late and tired. Too tired to interact, listen to, and participate in a child’s life. Here, obviously, there is no marginalization, no violence, but a very clear type of dysfunction, which can also be considered as a kind of “abuse”: lack of real love, lack of conscious and present motherhood and paternity perceived by the child.
No one should live in the dark corner of oblivion, spending their childhood in this underground space inhabited by shadows, emptiness and emotional confusion produces in children a series of internal conflicts that, in the best of cases, will take decades to resolve. Elizabeth Kubler- Ross herself wrote in her book “Death and Pain” that traumatic childhoods must also go through a very special period of mourning.
“One of the best things that can happen in life is having a happy childhood. “-Agatha Christie-
The Swiss-American psychiatrist explained in her book that it was like starting surgery for a series of confusing emotions hidden in even more disorganized boxes, it is a chaotic inner world where everything is lived at once: anger, disappointment, denial and depression.
The forgotten child becomes an inaccessible adult, in those people who like to go unnoticed, hidden in their personal worlds, unable to build meaningful and lasting relationships, one way or another, they continue to live in this culture of shame, so we ask ourselves. Why did all this happen, why was he denied the love with which we built as a person?
No one deserves to live in the corner of oblivion, let alone children, our children deserve to be treated with love, they deserve our time and our days while finnish summers where light is eternal, they also deserve all our patience and comfort that extends to infinity like the waves of water in a lagoon.
In conclusion, we propose a proposal: invest in your child and in a conscious education to avoid the appearance of more forgotten children, more lost childhoods, believe us, whether we like it or not, an unhappy childhood affects the freedom and fullness of our adult life.