Where to start this story, my story, the story of the girl of bracelets, how to explain that I had lost everything and lost it without knowing how, how to make you understand that what happened was not my fault, that it was all or nothing, I want to be loved and avoid the emptiness that I feel every day.
Because yes, I had it all, but the so-called border personality disorder made me lose little by little and become the girl with the bracelets on my wrist.
- You may not understand me.
- Most people can’t.
- It’s very difficult to put themselves in each other’s place when the other doesn’t behave.
- Doesn’t feel or doesn’t think like most people.
- But today I’m going to tell you a secret.
- Even if we don’t think or act like you.
- That doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.
Now I ask you to read me, listen to me and try to put yourself in my place, I want to tell my story, although I don’t know when it starts or when it ends, I want you to know how someone feels when they have a mental illness that no one understands, in exchange for everything they have tried to avoid: loneliness and rejection.
Between you and me there is only a difference diagnosis, but this label serves to dehumanize me and make you believe that you are better than me.
Like I said, I don’t know exactly when it started, although I think it could have moved to another city when I started college, I had never been alone in a new place, I had always lived in the same place with the same people I was very concerned, because the idea of not integrating, of being alone terrified me more and more.
That’s why and from the beginning I wanted to be the legal representative of the university group, it meant being thin and always perfect, or believing that, I started vomiting when I thought I was eating too much, even skipping meals or trying. don’t eat in front of people. Besides, I drank a lot, until I lost control, because I thought that’s how they’d accept me better and end shyness.
And then he showed up. The perfect smile boy, the boy of my dreams. And the purpose of my whole life was based on the fact that he loved me the way I loved him. It didn’t matter if I already had a girlfriend, it didn’t matter if he didn’t care about me. I loved him and I would, do anything to make him love me too. I thought, well, I didn’t think, I was convinced that no one could give him what I’d give him.
I discovered where I lived and started leaving love letters in the mail, created films in my head in which we were the two protagonists of a beautiful love story, and over time I came to believe that they were reality. I tried to convince the rest of the world that his girlfriend was bad, so they split up right away. I became so obsessed that it became my world, but a world that didn’t exist and that made a void grow in me.
I even lost control of my feelings. Everything has turned black or white, love me or hate me, are you?Are you with me or are you against me? Because I owned the extremes of reality and refused to see the intermediate points, became a whirlwind of feelings, loved alone with the greatest intensity or hated with all my might, but in this hurricane was the eye of the storm, an eye that showed the emptiness that was growing in me.
This emptiness that grew stronger and stronger made my reality so that it was all emotion on the outside, but I felt nothing. So, trying to leave that void behind me, trying to feel, I started cutting my wrists. And that’s when I became the girl with the bracelets on my wrist, because those bracelets were the only ones covering what I didn’t want to wear.
But bracelets don’t cure everything, they just hide what I didn’t want to show, they hide the part of me that I can’t control, that part where I’m the laughing stock of those who know me, because for them I’m the exaggerated fool. And I? I just want to fit in and feel something good, so I was happy to ask for help.
I know it will be a very, very long path, but now there is hope, thanks to the treatment that I am with my clinical psychologist and a medication prescribed by the psychiatrist, I become a little more me, my former self, was brave and I sought help, so I tell my story. If you feel the same or know someone like me, don’t laugh unknowingly; Behind what you see, there is a human being who feels lost and who, like me, can hide under his bracelets that hurt and, at the same time, shame.