The processes of separation between mothers and daughters are very negatively influenced by sexist culture, it is as if the influence of this culture encourages every woman to nurture a desire, which one day her mother would say something like, “Come on. Spread your wings and learn to be yourself, but while it is a common desire, it is rarely fulfilled: especially in sexist societies like ours.
The most common is quite the opposite. Far from letting their daughters think and live alone, many mothers seek to stop and control them, they often present themselves as victims and/or arouse fear, in the face of a glimmer of desire for autonomy, which contradicts their vision. of life, they often say, “Raise crows and they’ll rip your eyes out. “Or they throw diffuse and terrible prophecies at them.
- Or was it the day before?In any case.
- It doesn’t matter.
- Yesterday.
- The day before yesterday.
- Years ago.
- It was always the same story.
- ?Ngugi wa Thiong? Or?.
The point is that, for a woman, the question of breaking up with her mother to be herself can become a deep conflict, many women sit between the cross and the sword: they worship their mother and would like to give her the only reasons for happiness but, at the same time, they know that they have to break with this bond to find their own way.
Many mothers build a commandment that they pass on to their daughters very unconsciously: “Stay small if you don’t want to see me suffer. “But this commandment, at the same time, poses a terrible threat: “Stay small so that I may still love you. “
Wanting your daughter to remain a child is the great desire of educated mothers in sexist cultures, your daughter is a continuation of them, not a free individual who can claim and achieve autonomy, if the daughter is still a girl, even if she is older, the mother has no reason to question the scope of her own life , or the fact that she can suffer wounds that she and only she can heal.
A girl’s desire for independence can be lived by the mother as a strong threat or a great affront, so at this point she is able to reject and even abandon her daughter who resists being a child. to weather an inner storm before reaching the other shore.
The temptation to remain a mother’s daughter is very strong, many women must choose at all times between being loved and fully protected by their mother, giving up autonomy or breaking the maternal lineage to seek their own path, generating great pain or fury in mothers and a feeling of guilt and abandonment in themselves.
This is not a minor conflict. In fact, it’s one of life’s hardest times. Paradoxically, if all goes well, what’s left is deep pain. This symbol of the unconditional mother is lost forever, with a love that never fails. The desires of this mother, who sees her independence as a wound on the heart, are contradicted forever.
Any woman who decides to break with her mother’s wishes will have to cry for this mother who will no longer be available, who will no longer be available, however, at the end of this process, achieves one of life’s greatest achievements: personal empowerment. Because, it must be said, when a woman lives in the shadow of her mother, she has, to a greater or lesser extent, a certain insignificance.
Many women have learned to take responsibility for the emotional well-being of those around them. They even invent theories to justify this role imposed by machismo. It is argued, for example, that women are maternal on instinct and that is why they naturally tend to protect, care for and care for others.
That is why there is an army in which women feel responsible for the needs or sufferings of others. Starting, of course, from the emptiness of the mother he or she he sees. Breaking with that role imposed by machismo involves a process full of doubt and discomfort. guilty every time you don’t let go of your own desires to meet the needs of others. Mothers who have not achieved their own autonomy want their daughters to be ‘good girls’ and will be very disappointed when they act by putting their own wishes first.
In order for a woman to know who she really is and take control of her life, she must break those stereotypes that she has often seen reflected and defended by her own mother, and although this implies an initial distance, it is worth completing this process. .
In the end, it is very likely that your mother will be able to assimilate the facts and adopt a healthy attitude towards the autonomy of her beloved daughter, otherwise you will simply accept the facts. In both cases, the bond will change to improve: full of gratitude, with more respect and without neurotic ties.