The number of divorced couples has increased considerably in recent years. Divorce provides a legal framework that governs relationships so that all family members are protected, but this can be one of the most troublesome experiences in family life. Sometimes the procedure is by mutual agreement. although it is customary for one of the parties to take the first step. Family gives us a deep sense of protection, love, and gratitude. When it ends, the impact of divorce on the children leaves loneliness, fear, pain or anger.
A pause opens the door to the ghosts of the past, crises reflect our personal history and our ability to face the present, so for every question, every member of the couple has a different answer, some people renounce hatred and resentment, others erase the good times. Some people do not accept what happened and expect a reconciliation that never comes, others try to overcome separation with a new relationship, or with several successive relationships?As we have seen, the variety of reactions is very wide.
- However.
- If marriage is reversible.
- Motherhood and paternity are reversible for life.
- To divorce.
- Adults must assume the dissolution of the couple.
- But not their role as parents.
- Children cannot be engulfed in a climate of violence and resentment.
- An instrument: bullets with which we hurt or messengers of hope for possible reconciliation.
Divorce should not be an obstacle to the exercise of paternity/maternity or a process that will attack the privacy, trust and security that the child needs, children are not members of the couple and do not belong to any of the parents, so it should not become an instrument in the service of revenge, hatred or discussions.
Children depend on their parents and, although they do not belong to them, they must maintain a relationship with both to grow up healthy. It is common to see how some parents claim to have a deeper, more cautious love, suggesting that each other’s affection is not necessary. This is one of the most serious mistakes and can cause a lot of suffering to the child. Children need contact with both parents to have healthy emotional development. It’s a child’s right, it’s the right of parents to be able to enjoy together.
After a conflicting divorce, it is common for parents to interfere in the relationships between them; in the most severe cases, one parent neglects the child or both abandons him; different situations can occur, for example, if the father and mother abandon the child children, the only parent leaves the children, or the parent and/or mother involve the children in divorce-related conflicts.
The impact of conflict on the partner, children and relationships with parents will depend on how the situation is handled. In addition, the emotional cost may increase, depending on how you try to resolve the situation and duration of the conflict. When conflicts are inadequately addressed, they create dissatisfaction, aggression and tension on both sides, causing emotional discomfort and estification from family members.
Divorce implies a major change in family dynamics, especially in the relationship with children, but there should be no abandonment of children, the child’s suffering increases if a conflicted divorce results in the absence, inconsistency or disappearance of one of the former partners. Accepting that a parent is not present is very difficult, and becomes even more painful when the child understands that the parent is absent, does not visit him or wants to know him.
The abandoned child is often too attached to the father who cares for him, it is common to try to control the relationship and hoard all his time through very demanding behaviors, behind all this lies the fear of losing him, a deep-seated sense of insecurity. Accepting separation from the absent parent is a very difficult process, the child must be released internally. It is very common for them to imagine and dream of their return, idealizing the relationship and avoiding detachment.
If the parents disappear, the child feels that he or she has been punished; he may feel compelled to suppress all manifestations of hostility and anger, and even more so, to become extremely obedient and submissive, using violence against himself; or you can become impulsive and take an aggressive and distressing stance.
“Having children doesn’t make you a father, just as having a piano doesn’t make you a pianist. “Michael Levine?
Loyalty is a sense of solidarity and commitment that unifies the needs and expectations of many people, is a link, an ethical dimension and, in the case of the family, an understanding and coherence among members Generation after generation, systems that are transmitted from parent to child have been valued. The individual is inserted into a network of family loyalties, where trust and competence are very important.
In many families these loyalties can be disguised, i. e. expectations are not explicitly mentioned, but there are a number of rules that all family members must follow, it is a measure of justice within the family, an ethics in relationships that allows to identify the Whole this means that each family member must adapt their individual needs to the family network.
When a couple separates, and this does not mean the end of the confrontation, but a new step in prolonging the conflict, the children feel that it is necessary to ensure the affection of at least one parent. This is what we call loyalty conflict: children are encouraged, often veiledly, to take sides; otherwise, they feel isolated and disloyal to both parents; on the other hand, if they decide to get involved to seek more protection, they will feel that they are cheating on one of the two. A family dynamic in which fidelity to one parent involves disloyality towards the other.
“A father’s best legacy to his children is a bit of his time every day. “Battista?
It is essential not to send two-way messages to children, that is, to generate situations in which the child can perceive contradictions, for example, to tell your child that you do not care if he is accompanying his father, but he ceases to be affectionate. In these types of messages, there are “two sides”, the verbal and nonverbal language that sends messages in a confusing way, so they cause conflict in the child, who realizes that he is not behaving well, but does not understand what is Continuing, because it is the same adult who provokes the emotional conflict. These types of dynamics are very harmful to children’s mental health.
A couple does not have to stay together for the rest of their lives, if both people and the family suffer, if the relationship is very destructive, the best solution may be separation, when a union causes pain, you have to make decisions: apply for divorce or call a family or partner therapy professional. However, separation does not mean neglecting one’s responsibilities as parents or using children against ex-partners. The divorce process consists of two adults who have to act maturely to try to manage conflicts and feelings without including children. Children and adolescents need adult support and protection to feel safe and cared for, it is the responsibility of parents to promote this stability in order to minimize the impact of divorce on their children.
If the divorce process becomes too stressful for one or both partners, it is advisable to seek psychological help to guide yourself, for example, how to regulate emotions, manage conflicts, make decisions, manage responsibilities, seek support, etc. In short, face a new stage overcoming and closing the previous one. Therefore, the way we handle conflicts is what makes them constructive or destructive and, more importantly, whether there are children involved.
“To demand that parents be free from flaws and that they are the perfection of humanity is arrogance and injustice. “Silvio Pellico?