Recently, a renowned American psychoanalyst proposed 4 types of shame that he sees fundamental, and considering that today people are better prepared to talk about what embarrasses them, he explains how he believes that each of these variants can affect us.
In his recently published book, Burgo (2018) presents four paradigms to study this feeling, however, before addressing differences, we can say that there is a common detailed picture regarding the manifestations of shame:
- What experts in studying this psychophysical state think and understand about shame tends to differ from most people’s opinion of it.
Many people have a very negative view of shame, however, the authors of the scientific study of the types of shame see it as more varied in nature and with more moderate and less disastrous consequences.
One way or another, shame is a relatively common and difficult aspect to avoid in our daily lives, however, this level of toxicity that we generally attribute to it may not be as important.
In fact, Burgo proposes in his book – based on his clinical observations of more than 35 years – a surprising relationship between shame and self-esteem.
Consider that lessons learned by interacting with our states of shame would have a more brutal psychological impact than the inhibition that emotion could generate. The message offered to us by this author is optimistic and demystifying.
In general, we rarely stop to listen and engage in a productive dialogue with our shame states, what often happens is that the different types of shame to which we are exposed are so aversive that we tend to mask them with conditions such as:
“Those in need should not be ashamed. ” -Homer-
One of the reasons why today, both academically and clinically, it is easier to address the problem is that, in general, people tend to be less afraid; reluctance to talk about what shames us is less in today’s society.
Shame affects countless personality traits and mechanisms of psychological defense.
In a social context in which we are encouraged to show our true image, to love each other for who we are and to live in harmony with our qualities and the content of our minds, people are better prepared to look inward and share the experience. they’re embarrassed.
Positive psychology, so present today, is a clear example of how to defend the optimistic acceptance of our less desirable traits.
For Burgo, facing shame, in all its forms, is a daily occupation, a psychological process that, like so many others, takes place in the course of daily work. Therefore, dealing with it is a natural and acceptable phenomenon.
The suggestion of this author is that, in general, four types of shame can be distinguished:
It is enough to have loved someone and to know that this love was not reciprocal, to have been rejected or abandoned by the loved one, to have a clear idea of the shame that this situation entails, in some cases shame comes to humiliation.
We know that this kind of shame can begin to be felt in the early years of life; these babies, who often fail to provoke the desired emotional reactions in their mother after countless attempts to get attention, experience something very similar to this shame for “love prejudices. “
Psychology points out that people who have been raised in this way, with mothers who have not reached a sufficient level of empathy in the mother-filial bond, have a structural affliction that can be equated with a basic shame, which negatively conditions the normal development of the individual. .
“The books the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. “Oscar Wilde
This type is more common when we talk about shame in an informal conversation, it relates to several everyday episodes, more or less common, such as receiving a call of attention, being despised in public, or someone entering your room while you are not dressed.
Usually, this kind of shame – because of its frequency and relative weightlessness – is transient and irrelevant to the psychological well-being of the individual.
However, depending on the person’s predisposition and the intensity of the emotion experienced, some cases may become severe or be associated with trauma.
This is the kind of shame that occurs after a failed attempt to achieve a goal and with the breakdown of self-imposed or self-imposed expectations.
As for gravity and possible impacts, it’s similar to the previous type, some daily examples that could trigger this feeling of shame are:
Almost all of us, by our own social status, are interested in integrating and developing a sense of belonging to a group.
This principle applies to almost every area of our lives: work, sentimental relationships, friendships, etc. But are there times when this sense of belonging can be threatened?
In such cases, would good self-esteem and the ability to make the right assignments serve as a defense against the negative influence of this kind of shame?As if my friends didn’t invite me to the barbecue today because with my job they probably think I’m too busy and I don’t want to bother, but not because they don’t want to be with me.
Shame can be fatigued and irritating. At this point that, in some cases, can be a determining factor in our emotional balance and in the constitution of our personality.
In fact, certain personality traits considered unadaptive, such as narcissism or self-destructive tendencies, are generally associated with poor mechanisms for dealing with shame.
Say no? A child can involve a very mild variety of embarrassment, as it tends to disrupt a child’s natural exploratory impulses; however, this kind of shame usually doesn’t last long or doesn’t cause long-term consequences.
“It’s more embarrassing to distrust friends than to be fooled by them. “Francois de La Rochefoucauld-
So unless we face a person whose childhood has been plagued by abuse, neglect or trauma, the small reservoirs, the shame he may have accumulated should not have a permanent negative effect. For this reason, parents should not worry about denials making their children from time to time.
But what if people severely affected by shame decide to seek psychological help?Something we strongly recommend ?, the therapist should gradually deepen and discover the personal defenses of the person after gaining their trust.
Building bonds of trust takes time and effort, especially for those who harbor deep feelings of shame and humiliation. For them, being judged by others can be an important concern and there may be fear of being judged by the therapist.