You have certainly felt many times that your worth as a person depends on meeting certain expectations, which results in an unpleasant feeling, which can be rationally difficult to assume, but that you cannot help but feel. Charge intends to generate this feeling in us because it understands that it is a way to ensure our obedience. One way or another, when acceptance conditions appear, it is no longer unconditional.
“If you do what I want you to do, then you’re a good son. “”If you follow this career, I’ll be proud of you. But? Try not to disgust me with doing anything other than what I’m telling you. “You!?’ You must be funny and anticed by the band of friends to enjoy being with you. Unconditional acceptance involves loving someone for whom he is, with his way of being and being in the world, without wanting to shape him to our desire. .
- This is not to say that we are not honest with the person or that we are not showing them what they do not think is appropriate.
- One thing is sincerity and another is emotional blackmail to manipulate the other.
At first glance, they seem like harmless messages that don’t matter much in our daily lives, but if you take a moment to think about what might happen if you blindly follow each of these messages, you realize that eventually you will become what others. My parents, my friends, my partner? Everyone, inevitably, in a more or less transparent way, will ask us to be what he needs us.
Logically, it is our responsibility to assume these messages as irrefutable obligations. We can set our limits in a healthy and assertive way. “I won’t be who you want me to be, but I want to remain your friend. you accept me as I am, it’ll be great, otherwise I’ll have to go?This request, which seems so simple to say, is an act of enormous courage, with ourselves and with the person to whom we want to show it.
Starting our relationship with others from scratch, based on unconditional acceptance, is an exercise in respect for the intrinsic value of the human being, being immersed in a relationship whose continuity depends on whether or not our requests are fulfilled can be exhausting and very frustrating Of course, we are not talking about unconditionally accepting behaviors that damage our own emotional and physical health , respect is a fundamental condition of any relationship.
If you’re a very sensitive person and have a more rational friend, there will probably be times when you feel like you don’t understand you, or don’t put yourself in your place, and that inevitably leads you to become more and more frustrated, because he is. This may or may not change over time, but it’s not up to you.
In these cases, the healthiest thing is to accept that the friend is different from us and that he will often not be able to give us what we need, but that he can give us other things that nurture friendship. Perhaps, even if es. no as emotional as we feel understood, it is one of the few people we can always trust.
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the judgment to change the things I can, and the wisdom to recognize difference. -Renhold Niebuhr-
To accept a loved one unconditionally is to love its essence without wanting to change it at all costs, it is to take a good look at what we do not like so much, to accept unconditionally does not mean to force us to love its peculiarities, because they have the right not to like certain aspects of others, but they can be respected and understood as part of a whole, more or less logical , representing the other person.
This exercise, that of accepting the other unconditionally, must begin with us, to the extent that I am a very demanding person, very perfectionist, I will demand that the other be as I want, accept us as we are is not conformism, nor is it supposed to be here that it can flourish. To accept oneself is to respect oneself, to love oneself and not to punish oneself for not having reached standards imposed by oneself or the other.
If I can feel comfortable with the essence that defines me, with my lights and shadows, with my infinite nuances, with all my colors, if I can fully appreciate and respect this set of experiences, feelings, sensations, thoughts and inner attitudes, I will feel healthier mentally and my attitudes will always have value.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, I can change. -Carl Rogers-
If I accept myself and love myself as I am, I not only respect the conditions I impose, I will be able to look at myself from this beautiful prism and accept it as the complete being it represents. from this confidence to accept it for what it is, he will feel more understood and less inhibited from being himself. The trees I don’t like about him won’t stop me from seeing the whole forest.
I will be able to contemplate it with all the potential that my vision gives me intact!