Close your eyes and imagine Neverland, Wendy is the girl who takes care of the characters of the story in this fantasy world, who knows how to do what Peter Pan lacks courage, who takes risks and responsibilities, seeks to please but always stays behind . your eyes again. Does it look familiar to you?
It is a metaphor that reflects how often we try to please others by forgetting about ourselves and what we really want, so it is very common to say yes to proposals like having a coffee with another person when one does not want to, or face many more important proposals such as getting married, studying a particular trade or having children.
- We have chosen the path that we find easiest in the short term.
- To avoid conflict and ignore what we want.
- We prefer to pay this price rather than add an additional discussion or concern to our stressful days.
- However.
- What we are doing with that.
- Is underestimating the long-term price we will have to pay for such a concession.
“It was only he touching me to turn my tears into sighs and my anger into desire. What complacency is love, who forgives everything?”
Isabel Allende
We are afraid to say no and choose to please so as not to feel rejected or disappoint the other person, but what about us?Who are we? In fact, what matters is not the origin of this complacent behavior, but what we do to have that behavior that immobilizes us.
The psychologist Albert Ellis, creator of emotional therapy, talks about eleven common irrational beliefs that propagate and afflict the rest of the thoughts and emotions that populate our minds, transforming the horizon into a dark place and opening the door to a feeling of mild discomfort.
One such belief is: “Do I need the love and approval of everyone around me?”Yes? I need to be loved and have the approval of all the important people around me. This belief, to varying degrees, inhabits almost every mind and that is what makes us want to please others.
It is an irrational belief because it is impossible for everyone to approve it, whether we need to be constantly approved, we will always wonder if we are accepted or not and to what extent people like us.
It is unrealistic to think that we will sympathize with everyone, on the other hand, seeking the approval of others would require such an effort that we should abandon our own needs.
“I wish we had the courage to be alone and the audacity to risk being together.
-Eduardo Gaelano-
A rational way to deal with this belief is to think that we must eradicate the excessive need for approval or love, in this sense it is more correct to seek the approval of your attitudes and behaviors than from you.
A person who always seeks to please is one who tends to give satisfaction or pleasure to another person, that is, he is one who shows a certain inclination, more or less constant, to respond to the wishes of others even if it implies a personal price.
But the notion of complacency tends to have a negative connotation, because people interpret that if someone always responds to the demands of others, they cannot assert their position, nor defend their interests, but simply yield to the preferences of others, neglecting their own. Some traits that set satisfied people apart include:
No matter how much they love you, but how much they love you. -Walter laughs