What characterizes emotional codependency? This reflects an addiction to someone else’s dependence, which can occur both in a relationship and within a family— for example, between mother and daughter. Thus, whatever the context, in very strong relationships of dependence, the dependent feels that he needs both the other and his heart to continue living. Then we would talk about a psychological dependence in which the emotional part is very involved.
In this sense, addiction goes beyond the simple desire to be with someone, it is about thinking that the other is indispensable or irreplaceable to feel good: their presence is necessary condition for this to happen, it is a necessity that must be satisfied in any way, however special and specific, that leads to happiness.
- Emotional dependence in many situations is linked to jealous behaviors.
- Manipulation or possession of the loved one.
- Which causes the person to run out.
- Ending the relationship and making the irrational belief of the addict a reality; Namely.
- Without you.
- I’m nothing.
In other situations, what happens is that it is not only a member of the couple who is attached, but the two depend on each other, but differently, then we enter into a relationship called emotional co-dependence What happens in a co-dependent relationship is that there is a dependent member whose happiness ultimately depends on their partner being by their side and does not abandon it; on the other hand, the other member of the couple is also dependent. , but depends on the couple’s own dependence.
To better understand this, the dependent needs their partner and the co-dependent must protect, care for, help and care for the well-being of their partner, it is true that being careful with their partner is extremely necessary to maintain the relationship. alive, but as long as it is done altruistically, out of love for that person and not to feed an underlying addiction.
The only thing that generates behaviors derived from codependency is the strengthening of its dependence and the filling of internal gaps that are poorly covered in childhood.
It’s like taking care of the safety of others, over-protecting them or taking care of them as if the person doesn’t have the resources to empower the co-pendent person in one way or another and strengthen their self-esteem. His way of acting is the water that queds off the addict’s thirst, so that the pieces of the puzzle end up fitting perfectly and generate a frequent increase in dependence.
A toxic vicious circle is created within the relationship: one’s happiness depends on the other and, in turn, the happiness of the latter depends on the need for attachment of the former, this may sound strange, but the researchers tell us that this is how some couples form or survive.
What is the end result of this dynamic?The co-pendent couple never live a healthy and fulfilling relationship, which makes suffering and the feeling of emptiness the protagonists of the relationship; in the rare cases where the relationship continues, both will have to endure extremely intense discomfort, as they even end up losing their own identity.
Although the protective person may seem strong, it is not the truth, in fact, in the conduct of care, the couple finds the only way to take care of their self-esteem, so if you want to know more about the symptoms of co-dependence, read on:
As we have already said, codependent people often have low self-esteem that they try to compensate with the sense of usefulness that can arise when they feel valid for other people, in this case their partner.
In many cases, this deficiency comes from a pattern of anxious attachment that began to form in childhood, in the relationship established by its main references, in this sense the person was only rewarded when he did something for his reference figures. learned that their value depended on what he could offer others.
Because their self-esteem depends on the need of the other person, co-dependent people tend to use manipulation and control as a means to be their victim. That is, to feel important and useful, they need the other person to continue to maintain their dependent behaviors and only manage to do so by controlling their partner.
Another common strategy for maintaining each other’s dependence is to undermine each other’s self-esteem. Yes, they make the other feel disabled or useless, so they need someone to come to their rescue. That’s when the co-appears the dependent person, seemingly selflessly and sacrificing himself for each other.
By the time they realize that the other person has begun to take more independent steps, such as making a decision for themselves, co-defident people panic and try to restore their addiction, so it’s not uncommon for them to give up. what they are doing to help the other person and continue to maintain their superior position of protection relative to others.
Codependent people fear that the other person can do it on their own and realize that they don’t really need anyone’s help or that there are others besides the co-pendent who can help.
In their mind, the partner is constantly monitored, in this way they become obsessive, end up getting lost and believe that making life easier for their partner is the only mission with which they can achieve well-being. Also, if they comment on a mistake about it, they are unlikely to forgive and the sense of frustration takes hold of them.
The approval of others is a universal reinforcement and in many cases a valuable source of information to evaluate one’s performance, but when we place our self-esteem in the judgment that others can give, we have a problem. Dependents have a great need for approval that they try to satisfy without the way they often do. And who better than the dependent to give immediate approval?
While we know that other people’s emotions don’t belong to us, we can often feel responsible for what others feel. It’s not uncommon, because we’ve been brought up about it. ” Don’t make Dad angry,” “If you do that, Mom will be sad. “
However, this thought is much more pronounced among codependent people: they believe that the other is good or bad depending on how they acted, so in many situations they end up assuming responsibilities that do not correspond to them or do not correspond to them. blamed for something that has never been in their hands.
On the one hand, they need to feel useful to help their partner, partner or other person in their life who depends on them; However, when the dependent does something that goes against this pattern, co-dependent people tend to play face or face. criticize as a strategy to make the other person feel bad and change their behavior. Expressions such as 😕 With everything I do for you, is that how you pay me, you know I’m sacrificing for you, did I leave everything to make you happy?, etc.
After discovering what characterizes emotional codependency, have you identified with any part of that relationship?While this may surprise us, this way of acting in a relationship is more common than we can imagine, so if you feel identified, discuss what’s wrong with your self-esteem and dare to live a healthy relationship.
References
Mellody, P. , Wells, A. , Miller, K. , Codependence: who, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Learn to move on. Paidus Ibérico 2005.
Mazzarello, R. , Study on codependency and its influence on psychosocial risk behaviors, University of Barcelona.