We all like to know that our environment values and approves of our way of being or the choices we make, this dependence is not in itself a weakness. In fact, it is healthy as long as we maintain a balance that ensures the independence of our actions and decisions, if getting the approval of others does not guarantee that independence, then we have a problem.
Do we all need to be cared for, validated, encouraged and supported? And not only to be, but also to feel that we are. Meeting these needs in relation to others is part of what might be called a healthy addiction. In addition, satisfying them helps to ensure that, at times, we can be more self-reliant by being the ones who support others.
- This is called interdependence and involves both giving and receiving.
- Which is necessary for our survival and our relationships.
- However.
- In many cases.
- Things are not like this and excessive dependence appears.
- An intense need for someone’s approval.
When most of our energies are directed towards the pleasure of others and obtaining their approval, we enter a dangerous circle, in this sense, overconfidence causes feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, loss, confusion and insignificance.
To better understand us as adults, it is important to analyze certain aspects of our childhood, the first influence factor, which does not necessarily condition, will be how we receive approval/disapproval from our parents and guardians, this can be closely related. what we’re doing now to get approval or avoid disapproval. The truth is that, one way or another, our brain may have been programmed with self-defense behaviors in the face of the disapproval of others, which can now hinder our relationships. .
The defenses we created in childhood, when we don’t feel loved enough or appreciated by our key caregivers, probably served us well enough at the time, but these defenses currently make it difficult to build new relationships based on trust and even intimacy. these same defenses can also prevent us from obtaining self-approval.
In this attempt to obtain the approval of others, we often act in a way that is not desirable, these dysfunctional behaviors are a form of self-buttoning that, in many cases, we do not know, according to Dr. Leon F. Seltzer’s proposal, these dysfunctional ways to avoid disapproval of others are:
This dysfunctional behavior forces you to try to do everything in the most perfect way possible, this way of trying to eliminate the disapproval of others has nothing to do with the search for excellence, much healthier and much more selective, nor with an intrinsic motivation for Improvement. Does this attitude make you good enough? In fact, when you feel like you’re not the best, the conclusion you draw is “not being good enough. “
Being the best version of yourself doesn’t necessarily mean being the best, or maybe it is. The fact is, you won’t know if you’re still concentrating on what others expect (or think you expect) from you.
When failure is equated with the disapproval or rejection of parents, we can also vehemently deny any project whose success is not guaranteed. The origin of this risk aversion can be found in childhood, but also in later situations where the person took that risk, lost and lost. , therefore, had to pay a very high price.
But successful people are often successful because they are not particularly at risk. They are willing to “go for it” because they see failure as the first step to ultimate success.
If in childhood you stopped getting your parents’ approval because nothing helped you feel more connected to them, you may have come to completely deny the need for that attachment, either with this first relationship or with subsequent ones, the truth is that the automation of keeping this type of distance is usually learned.
You may be suspicious of others if, as a child, you have not received the approval and support you need. His instinct to protect his ego will force him to keep others at bay. As a result, you won’t feel intimately connected to each one. In this sense, anger is the most commonly used defense to keep people at a safe distance.
The fourth dysfunctional behavior to avoid the disapproval of others proposed by Dr. Seltzer is a coherent and co-pendent attitude, if as a child you learned to always put the desires of others before yours, leaving them on a secondary level, you will likely continue to do the same.
With this complacent and co-deficient behavior, you assume more responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of others than for your own. If, as a child, prioritizing his needs caused his parents to disapprove, as an adult, he believes that others will reject him if you give priority.
If you found yourself in any of these behaviors to get other people’s approval, this is a good time to discuss in detail what you’re doing that keeps you from feeling satisfied. You can’t change the past, but you can influence your present. and your future.
You can reprogram your brain. And if you can’t do it yourself, ask for help.