Sometimes disappointing the family is almost an obligation to be free, to reassert themselves as individuals, as individuals deserving of their happiness and responsible for their independence. Disobeying or questioning certain family rules is a healthy act that renews us internally and externally while placing our loved ones at the complex and necessary crossroads of accepting ourselves as we are or letting us go.
It’s not easy. Throughout the first phase of the life cycle, there is always a time when the child wakes up and becomes fully aware of these subtle inconsistencies that exist in many family dynamics, he realizes with surprise, for example, what parents advise and what they apply in He also feels, with some strangeness, this bitter gap between the expectations they place in his life and those she builds , feel and believe freely.
“There can be no deep disappointment where there is no deep love. -Martin Luther King-
The rules of the family are like small atoms colliding. They create an invisible matter that no one is aware of, but suffocates. They are born of intergenerational force, our system of beliefs, requirements and unconscious codes; those expressed not only in the type of messages issued during communication, but also in tone of voice and nonverbal language.
Thus, and almost without realizing it, we are shaped by a number of factors and beliefs that we internalize in silence and with great difficulty. Until we suddenly realize that we don’t get into this puzzle, we realize that our family is functional. ? It may not be so because there are so many silences, many low looks that avoid encountering each other. That’s when someone decides to make a decision, their own path that will sometimes come at a high cost: to disappoint our loved ones.
When Lucas was born, his mother was 41 and his father 46, for his parents to have a single child was not an option, but the result of a complicated process, before Lucas, his mother had four miscarriages and after him suffered one more. Unknowingly, and certainly unintentionally, Lucas has always been that lonely survivor on which his family has designed a whole manual of expectations, a whole collection of hopes, dreams and desires.
However, Lucas was never a good student and was not very attentive, much less obedient, and worse, throughout this phase of school failure, he had to live with the spectrum of his invisible siblings, those who were never born, but to whom his parents had always done so. “Certainly some of them would have been engineers like me”, “Certainly some of them would have been more focused, more responsible ??
In addition to the constant imaginary idealization of his parents, Lucas also had to deal with one or the other unfortunate message from one of his uncles or grandparents: “Listen to your mother, put the music aside and focus on a trade. Your parents have suffered so much to have you and wouldn’t it cost you anything to make them happy once in your life?
Now, when the age comes when he can finally take responsibility for his own decisions, Lucas goes abroad to enter a music conservatory, aware that he will disappoint his loved ones. He knows it’s going to cause him pain, but he’s incapable of being part of that family paradigm inhabited by ghosts and impossible expectations. Lucas needs to be realized, aspire to a life according to what I do, I am and I feel.
An interesting study was conducted last year at the University of Utah, which explained which strategies can be of great help to those who considered themselves “black sheep” in their family nuclei. No one would be surprised to learn that such situations, besides the symbolism of rupture, are extremely complex, so much so that many of our emotional problems arise from this complex conflict of values, needs and opinions that we have about our lives. own family.
“Blood only connects us, it is love that makes us family
Knowing how to react, how to effectively address this kind of reality is fundamental to our well-being, so the three conclusions that have been obtained in this interesting study can serve as an appropriate guide if we are going through a similar family situation. .
At the same time, and in conclusion, it is positive that we do not consider ourselves “marginalized”. Although a lot of them?To be this disturbing element?in the family nucleus, sometimes the “black sheep”?end up being slaves to the label that others put on, which many people end up taking as reinforcement. So, for example, someone may end up going systematically against any family rule or will, even if they also prefer this option.
We must put this distorted value that has been given to parents for so long and also understand that disappointing sometimes has no negative connotations is a necessary act, with which we reaffirm ourselves as independent people and with our own judgment. .
Images courtesy of? Ukasz G? Mr. Adki.